it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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