After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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