Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I deserve this hangover.
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