i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
