i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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