i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
