Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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