Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
