my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
