whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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