i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
