I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Im part way to drunk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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