Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Are my feet made of real feet?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
