The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
