We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
