DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
