Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
