If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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