u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
