your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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