No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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