Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I faked an abortion last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
