I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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