It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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