they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
