She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We're too hungover to prance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
