I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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