I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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