I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
