Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
