apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
