I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
