i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
