I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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