What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
