Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
