she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
