I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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