Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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