You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
