I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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