Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
