someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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