Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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