I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's blow job season.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
