I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
