I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
