she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
