Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
