this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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